How to Tell If a ‘Yes’ Is Honest, Hesitant, or People-Pleasing
Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking you had an agreement, only to be met with silence or inaction later? You’re not alone. The word “yes” can be misleading – and not all “yeses” are created equal.
Former FBI negotiator and author of Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss, explains this brilliantly. He highlights that in conversations – whether personal or professional – there are actually three types of “yes”: Commitment, Counterfeit, and Confirmation.
Once you understand these three, you’ll stop taking “yes” at face value and start listening for what’s really being said. This one simple shift can save you from misunderstandings, frustration, and poor deals, and help you communicate with more clarity and confidence.
The Three Types Of “Yes”
1. Commitment Yes
This is the most genuine and reliable type of “yes.” It reflects real agreement and a clear intention to follow through. When someone gives you a commitment yes, they’re not just saying the words, they’re backing them up with action. It’s the kind of yes that shows trust, alignment, and a shared goal. In a negotiation or decision-making situation, this is the yes you’re aiming for.
2. Counterfeit Yes
This is the trickiest yes to deal with. It sounds positive, but it’s not real. A counterfeit yes is often given to avoid discomfort, end a conversation quickly, or sidestep conflict. The person saying it doesn’t intend to follow through – they may even be saying what they think you want to hear. That’s why it’s so important to listen for hesitation, inconsistency, or body language that doesn’t match the words.
3. Confirmation Yes
This type of yes simply confirms that the person has heard or understood you. It’s not a sign of agreement or commitment. For example, if you say, “So you got the email I sent?” and they respond, “Yes,” – that’s a confirmation yes. It helps keep the conversation moving, but it doesn’t tell you how they feel or what they plan to do next. Don’t mistake it for a green light.
Understanding these distinctions can empower you in various ways:
- Listen Beyond Words: Pay attention to tone and context to discern the type of “yes” you’re receiving.
- Clarify Intent: If unsure, ask open-ended questions to explore the meaning behind the affirmation.
- Adjust Your Approach: Tailor your responses and strategies based on the type of “yes” received to foster better communication and achieve desired outcomes.
How To Turn A “Counterfeit Yes” Into A “Commitment Yes”
Hearing a “yes” might feel like a win – but if it’s a counterfeit yes, you’re only hearing what you want to hear, not what you can count on. The good news? A counterfeit yes isn’t the end of the conversation. Often, it’s a sign that the other person doesn’t feel safe enough to say “no” or isn’t fully sold on the idea. Your job is to slow down, create space for honesty, and uncover their real thoughts.
Start by shifting from pushing for agreement to inviting the truth. You can do this by asking open-ended questions like, “What concerns do you have about this?” or “What would need to happen for this to work for you?” Questions like these lower the pressure and encourage the other person to be upfront, which is the first step toward genuine commitment. Once they share their doubts, you can address them – and that’s where real agreement begins.
A counterfeit yes can often turn into a commitment yes when the conversation moves from assumptions to clarity. Always remember: a “yes” is only meaningful when it comes with clear action or a plan. Slow the conversation down, give space for honesty, and focus on solving the hidden objections rather than celebrating the first “yes” you hear.
At the end of the day, we’ve all been on both sides of this.
How many times have you said “yes” just to avoid discomfort, only to regret it later? Or nodded along in a conversation even though you weren’t convinced, just because it felt easier than being honest? That’s human nature – and the people you speak to are no different.
When you understand that a “yes” might really mean “not sure” or even “no, but I don’t want to upset you,” you can approach conversations with more patience and curiosity, instead of blind trust or frustration.
Practical tools. No fluff.
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